it hurts more in the daytime
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
