turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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