he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
