why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize