she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
