I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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