K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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