Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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