Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am one with the molecules
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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