spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
