Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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