So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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