Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize