My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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