I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just invented taco cereal.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
