All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
