Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
