i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
