Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
