so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
