Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
