She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
