if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
