where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
