I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize