Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
