I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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