i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
