And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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