Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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