Already got asked if we're dating
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize