Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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