If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
