My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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