How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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