Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
