Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
