If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
