glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
