i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
