nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
