Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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