Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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