Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
