tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
