A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
