Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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