he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
