What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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