I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
