It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
