who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So many bounce houses so little time
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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