Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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