It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
