If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
