If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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