True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
