So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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