if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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