literally had 100 drinks last night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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